Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
Your momma is so ugly she made One Direction go another direction.
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."
Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: To know which witch is which!