Q: Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
A: Because he is a pain in the neck.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.