A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
Three ladies were on a flight, when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing." The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich, and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great t*ts and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."
Red Riding Hood was a bad bitch. She looked so f*cking good, damn! When she got to grandmas, the wolf jumped out and said, "Damn bitch, Imma f*ck the sh*t outta you." Red pulled a glock out her basket and said, "Nah motherf*cker, you're gonna eat me like the story said."
Q: What is the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A: The pizza dosen't scream when it's put into an oven.
What's black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.