Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Yo momma is so fat she uses a pillow for a tampon.

How to be Insulting in Theaters: If the person sitting in front of you is blocking your view, try adopting an irritating cough, or kicking your feet under their seat. Nasty, wet sneezes down the back of their neck are also effective in persuading them to look elsewhere for a seat.

How to be insulting when giving directions: Point with four fingers when they ask.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."