joke bank - How to be Insulting

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.

If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.

Yo momma is so fat she uses a pillow for a tampon.

Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"
Candidate: "Honesty."
Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Candidate: "I don't give a f*ck what you think."

A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition." The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

How to be Insulting in Theaters: If the person sitting in front of you is blocking your view, try adopting an irritating cough, or kicking your feet under their seat. Nasty, wet sneezes down the back of their neck are also effective in persuading them to look elsewhere for a seat.

How to be insulting when giving directions: Point with four fingers when they ask.

How to be Insulting at Christmas: Try to find what you were given last year and give it back to the person who gave it to you.

Fun fact: If you cut off all your body hair and laid it end to end you'd be a fucking weirdo.

How to be Insulting on Public Transportation: Pretend to be foreign when the conductor asks for your fare and try to give him the wrong denomination of money.