joke bank - How to be Insulting

How to be Insulting in Theaters: Noisy wrappings on sweets can be unwrapped at moments of tension when the rest of the theatre is silent.

How to be Insulting at Christmas: Refuse to give any guests a drink, on the grounds that it's for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though. Then pour yourself a large Scotch, on the grounds that you aren't going anywhere and don't have to worry.

How to be Insulting in Church: Sing out of tune in all the hymns and try singing half a line behind everyone else.

How to be Insulting in the Street: Walk along as if you have stepped in something unpleasant, by pretending to scrape your feet along the pavement, or rubbing your soles on any available patches of grass. Then look daggers at anyone walking a dog.

How to be Insulting in the Street: Approach a complete stranger as if you are about to welcome them warmly, but instead walk straight past and disappear into a shop.

How to be Insulting on the Beach: Sit by the water with a fishing rod, and throw revolting lumps of old bread into the water where the children are enjoying themselves.

How to be Insulting in the Street: Wave frantically across the street to people who are trying to ignore you and try to attract as much attention to them as you can.

How to be Insulting in Banks: Take a tape recorder with you to the meeting with the manager. Say nothing the entire time, but simply record all he says to you. Then when he's finished play it back to him at twice the speed and leave.

How to be Insulting in the Street: Find a bus stop with a waste bin attached to it. Hide a small bottle of champagne and a leg of chicken in the bottom. Wait for a queue to form at the bus stop, then go and rummage in the gutter, and finally look in the bin. Find the things you've hidden, and devour them in front of the people waiting for the bus.

How to be Insulting in Hotels: If you have to get up early, do it with the maximum amount of noise. Run a bath loudly and sing in it.

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

How to be Insulting at Christmas: Turn up the television when the carol singers arrive and turn off the lights until they go away.