How to be Insulting at Christmas: Refuse to give any guests a drink, on the grounds that it's for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though. Then pour yourself a large Scotch, on the grounds that you aren't going anywhere and don't have to worry.

How to be Insulting in Church: Sing out of tune in all the hymns and try singing half a line behind everyone else.

How to be Insulting Abroad: Ask for local delicacies and leave them on your plate.

How to be Insulting on the Beach: Sit by the water with a fishing rod, and throw revolting lumps of old bread into the water where the children are enjoying themselves.

How to be Insulting in the Street: Wave frantically across the street to people who are trying to ignore you and try to attract as much attention to them as you can.