Miscellaneous Jokes
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste of course! - mg1984chev
It takes only one egomaniac to screw in a light bulb, because the egomaniac can hold the bulb, and the rest of the world will naturally revolve around him. - LaughFactory
On top of a hill area, there are three draculas bragging about their powers to each other. The first one, points at a large house in the village underneath them, and quickly fly towards it. In about five minutes, he's back with a hint of blood dripping from his lip. Proudly, he says that all the humans living in that house died from his attack. The second dracula laughs as he's pointing to a small village area. After that, the second dracula jumps and flies in a quicker manner than the first one, in not more than a minute, he's already back with his mouth covered in blood. He says that all the people in the village that he pointed at died from his quick and brutal attack. The first dracula felt beaten, while the third one didn't say anything, but he gave one cold stare to a direction with small city lights at the end of it. Without any word, he flashed into that direction, and in more of a shock, he's back in around five seconds of time with face all covered in blood. Both previous draculas are surprised, and asked him if had he slaughtered the people in that small city. The third dracula shouts, "Did you two see that electrical pole in front of us?" they replied, "Of course we did, why?" still shouting, the third dracula says, "Goddammit, I didn't!" - darthgautama
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!" - marentes
I had a job once, it lasted a month. I finally called the boss and said, "I can't come in for a few days." He said, "What's the matter, you sick?" I said, " No, I just have to wait until this thought of wanting to kill you goes away." - jacksoren
I went to the beach with friends one day, and when I went back to my hotel room to change for dinner, I found a dead fish stuck to my breast. It was at this point that I realized how truly powerful and useful boobs are. - jermusyke
There was this girl who really wanted a boob job, so she went to see a plastic surgeon, Dr. Jones. Dr. Jones told her the cost would be $3500.00. She then told Dr. Jones she could not afford to spend that much, so he told her if she waived her hands like a duck quacking in front of her breasts daily saying, "Mary had a little lamb, her fleece was white as snow," her boobs would begin to grow. The next day she was on a bus and remembered she forgot to do the chant. She began to secretly do it, and while she was doing it, a gentleman turned around and asked her if she went to Dr. Jones. She then asked why? He replied with a hand motion moving up and down chanting, "Hickory, Dickory, Dock." - kimmydecroix
In August 2009, a new kid's toy is being released called, Elmo Tickle Hands. These furry red gloves actually vibrate when they sense when something is being touched! Elmo's voice calls out laughing and begging for the user to touch more! The more they touch, the faster they vibrate, the more Elmo's voice squeals in delight for more!
This is a real toy! Google it! I mean really! What were they thinking? This toy will be like the Harry Potter vibrating toy, Ride on Brooms, that were taken off the market when it was discovered that the mothers and grandmothers were using them as much as the kids! I guess the new Elmo Tickle Hands toy really will be fun for the whole family! - JeepersMedia
An extremely obese man with severe stomach pains goes to see a doctor. He can hardly stand, the pain is so bad. After an examination, the doctor is holding the x-rays and asks, "Did you at one time swallow a bullet?" The man answers, "Swallow a bullet? Of course not!" The doctor replies, "Well then, I'm afraid you've been shot!" - mlarsen
If you wait much longer to accept me, I'll need geriatric diapers just to enjoy a good laugh! - tjnster58
Two guys are sitting in a fourth story bar drinking. The first guy stands up and says, "I'm done," and walks to the window, jumps out, then blows right back in. He says, "I knew it, the draft was too strong," and he sits back down. A few minutes later, the other guy says, "I'm done," and jumps out the window and dies. The bartender then says to the first guy, "Superman, you sure are an asshole when you're drunk." - bizzyb05
Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had been overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very close to a graveyard, and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. Her friend however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the other husband and says, "These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!"
- Bianca723
Two guys are outside of a bathhouse. One guy says, "Did you take a bath?" The other guy says, "No, I think you're supposed to leave them inside." - jtucker