On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death. - amorourk

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger. Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!" - daniel844533

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like." - sadaf85

What do you have to do when your mother-in-law taps the window? Turn the furnace a little higher. - ThomskiVD

When you are married, nobody asks about your sex life. They know that you don't have one! - at3418

I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married but then it was too late. - epiccaasi

Is a date a fruit or a vegetables? You don't know until he's at the door. - jmschum

A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, "Honey just look at me. My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and boobs are sagging. I could really use a complement right about now." The husband replied, "You have really good eye sight!" - nightmaregirl

My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!" - Curonian

A man comes home from work and his wife greets him at the door and asks, "Is dinner ready yet?!?" She grabs him and points across the street as a husband comes home and tenderly kisses his wife. She say, "Why can't you do that?" The husband responds, "Well, I haven't met her yet." - roadangel3690

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister." - joker

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?" - LaughFactory

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!" - LaughFactory

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches." - LaughFactory

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?" - swtangie5