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joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to granny’s, when she spots the wolf crouched behind a tree. “My, Mr. Wolf, what big paws you have,” she begins, but the wolf runs off. Further down the path she sees the wolf crouched behind a rock and she stares in, “My, Mr. Wolf, what big teeth you have.” The wolf stands up and runs away. Finally at granny’s, Red sees the wolf peeking around from the backyard and she pipes up, “My Mr. Wolf,” to which the wolf yells, “Would you f*ck off, I’m trying to take a sh*t!”

JJ123

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

SusuM

Q: What does half of an apple look like?
A: The other half.

Anonymous

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Anonymous

A young boy was walking along the docks one day admiring the ships, when a man walked up behind him and said, “Thinking of becoming a sailor?” “Yes, I am!” replied the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I have sailed many years and have had many adventures.” The boy looked the man up and down, and saw that he had an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook. “I would love to hear of your adventures,” said the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope when I encountered pirates. They boarded my boat and I fought them 'til there was only one left. But before he got away he cut off my leg!” “That sounds terrible!” exclaimed the boy. “Aye lad, it was, but I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “How did you get the hook?” inquired the boy. “I was once again sailing around the Cape of Good Hope on my way home when I encountered the same pirate with a whole new crew. They boarded me again and I fought down to the last man, only this time as he got away, he cut of my hand!” “That is awful!” the boy once again exclaimed. “Aye lad, but again I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “Tell me how you got the eye patch! Was it the pirates again?” “No lad, this time I was just out finishing one day, I heard the cry of a gull, and when I looked up it sh*t in me eye!” “Pardon me sir, but I didn’t know you could lose an eye from gull sh*t.” “Well lad, 'twas the first day with the hook!!!”

Yanni26

A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today." The boy says, "I know." The girl says, "I love you!" The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!" After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed. The girl says, "Where is he?" The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?" The girl says, "What???" and starts crying. The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."

mred44edgar

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Anonymous

Q. Why do anime fans listen to the radio in the morning?
A. Because they enjoy car toons!

hello_the_...

3 unwritten rules of life
1)
2)
3)

TheLaughFa...

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry. It's only a joke.

my dog

A man walk into a bar and says, "Give me something to drink just no vodka." The bartender asks, "Why? That's your typical drink of choice." The man replies, "Because last night I got drunk and blew Chunks." The bartender says, "Well, it's normal to blow chunks if you drink too much. The man says, "No, Chunks is my dog."

Androgynous

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say."

TheLaughFa...