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joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

The student asked René DesCartes, "Professor, you say 'I think therefore I am.' But how do I know it is I who is thinking?"
"Who wants to know?" answered the old philosopher.


Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I have five fingers.
The middle one is for you.


A doctor walks into a room full of patients at a mental institution, takes out a pen, and draws a door on the wall. He then tells all the patients that whoever wants to escape, should use that door. Immediately they all rush towards it, but of course cannot go through. However, one patient sits still in the back with a smile on his face. He has not moved at all. The doctor thinks he must be cured. He then asks the patient why he did not rush to the door, and the patient whispers, "They don't know that I'm the one who has the key."


Harry, Mary, and Dick are great friends. One day, they discover a magical fence. You can jump over it, say what you want to be, and it will transform you into it. Mary walks off to go to the bathroom. Harry jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a mailman." So he turns into a mailman. Dick jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a whale." So he turns into a whale. Mary returns from the bathroom and doesn't recognize her friends. She decides to go looking for them. Mary jumps over the fence asking, "Harry? Dick?" And she turns into hairy dick.

Jason yang

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Olive who?
Olive you!


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!”


How many Emos does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, cuz they are all crying in the dark.


A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.


Q: Why did the athlete put his steak on top of the fridge?
A: Because he was on a high protein diet.

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were hunting buffalo one day to no avail. Tonto jumps off his horse, puts his ear to ground and says, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger asks, "How do you know that?" Tonto replies, "Ear sticky."

Shawn Bates

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Abby who?
Abby birthday!

King k