joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

Q: How do you put an elephant into a Safeway bag?
A: You take the "f" out of safe & the "f" out of way- wait, there's no "f" in way!

bedge o matic

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


Why do Russian cars never work?

Baecause they are always Stalin.


He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.


Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was!" The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.


Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.


I made a terrible mistake the other night by renting a Tyler Perry movie. It was so bad that Redbox support called me the next day and offered me $20 just to keep it forever.

Paul Beisner

It is 2:00 am. There are a half dozen empty vodka bottles lying on the dimly-lit street. Two men standing in the middle of street have been arguing that the other man is more drunk. Finally, one man said to the other, “If you are not drunk, then climb up this column," pointing to the vertical beam of light that the flashlight in this right hand makes. Thinking a bit, the other man stuttered, “I am not that stupid. If I climb up to the top and you turn off the light, I will surely fall to my death!”


You might be a redneck if your home has more miles on it than your car.

James Carlson

Chuck Norris got bit by a snake. After a few days of pain, the snake died.

Carolina R...

An old lady was knitting & speeding down the highway. A cop pulled up alongside her vehicle & yelled, "Pull over!" She yelled back, "No, they're mittens!"


A Fiat 500 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" asked the driver of the Fiat. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver of the Rolls sighed, "I have that too." "Then do you have a double bed in the trunk?" the Fiat driver wanted to know. Embarrassed, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he ordered a mechanic to install a double bed in the trunk. A week later the Rolls driver passed the same Fiat 500 parked on the side of the road with the back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls, and bangs on the Fiat's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I wanted to tell you I have a double bed installed," says the proud Rolls driver. The Fiat driver is unimpressed, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"