Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
The recession is getting so bad, the bank sent me a new type of credit card. It was pre-declined.
The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!
Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.