So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George Bush's clock?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"
Q: What is the Mexican version of One Direction?
A: Juan Direction.
Yo momma's so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
Q: How do Chinese people name their babies?
A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.