Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Yo momma's so fat and old when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mother to move out of the way.