A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, "Honey just look at me. My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and boobs are sagging. I could really use a complement right about now." The husband replied, "You have really good eye sight!"
A man is standing at a grave, staring at the head stone. A second man walks up and asks, "Is this someone you knew?" The first guy says, "Yes, it was my wife." The second guy says, "It must be hard to lose a wife." The first guys replies, "Yep, damn near impossible."
Q: What the difference between your first and second honeymoon?
A: Niagara and Viagra.
Most people want a perfect relationship; I just want a hamburger that looks like ones in commercials.
A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!