One fine day, a priest, a rabbi, and a high priestess decide to all go fishing. They manage to get to the water, and off they go. One hour later, the high priestess says, "I think I forgot the food!" She steps off the boat, walks across the water, gets the picnic basket, and walks back! As they are eating, the priest thinks, "What a display. Jeez, where does she get off walkin' on the water?" Right then, the rabbi says, "Oye! I forgot the drinks." He steps right off the boat, and walks across the water to get the drinks. By this time, the priest is very frustrated! He excuses himself, and as the priest steps out of the boat, he falls in the water. The high priestess turns to the rabbi and says, "You think we should have told him about the rocks?"
Q: What do you call a rabbi with heartburn?
A: An acidic Jew.
Four nuns die and are in line to get into Heaven. St. Peter appears and tells them they can get in, but must do one last confession. The first nun confesses to seeing a penis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her eyes in holy water, say 10 Hail Marys, and she can get in. The second nun admits to touching a penis. St. Peter instructs her to rinse her hand in holy water, say 20 Hail Marys, and she can get in. Seeing this, the fourth nun taps the third nun's shoulder and says, "Can I cut in front of you? I'm going to need to rinse my mouth and I know you need to rinse your asshole."
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A woman starts dating a doctor. She eventually becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try," he says. The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What happened?" asks the priest. "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."