On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
A substitute for a Catholic priest is hearing confessions. He is confused about what to recommend a confessor should do to rectify guilt sustained, after doing a sexual favor for her boss. He sticks his head out of the confessional and asks a nearby alter boy what the father gives for a bl*wjob. The alter boy responds, "Usually a Snickers and a ride home."
Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29? Because 30 is too many!
The biggest swindler in the world dies and finds himself before the gates of Heaven and St. Peter, who says, "Come on in man!" Confused, the swindler questions, "But I thought I would be going to Hell for all of the bad things I did." St. Peter replies, "Oh, we don't keep records here, it's too much work!" The swindler goes in, and is once again surprised to see tons of beautiful girls whipping themselves. He asks St. Peter, "Why are they doing that?" St. Peter answers, "Ah, those are all of our virgins. They just found out we don't keep records, too!"
Jesus' away message on Good Friday, "BRB."