Jesus' away message on Good Friday, "BRB."
The biggest swindler in the world dies and finds himself before the gates of Heaven and St. Peter, who says, "Come on in man!" Confused, the swindler questions, "But I thought I would be going to Hell for all of the bad things I did." St. Peter replies, "Oh, we don't keep records here, it's too much work!" The swindler goes in, and is once again surprised to see tons of beautiful girls whipping themselves. He asks St. Peter, "Why are they doing that?" St. Peter answers, "Ah, those are all of our virgins. They just found out we don't keep records, too!"
Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too.
How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw the light bulb and the other to screw the altar boy in the corner!
A priest, a rabbi, and a dwarf walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?!"