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joke bank - Sex Jokes

A patient says, “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?” The doctor replies, “Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”

Anonymous

I'm a mailman. At Christmas this year, Mrs. Jankowitz met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread. After I ate, I thanked her and she said, "There's more." She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined. I told her I had no idea she felt this way. She said, "I don't." I ask, "What was all this about?" She says, "I asked the husband what to give the mailman." He said, "Screw the mailman, breakfast was my idea."

eaglenchamp

A newlywed man is going away on a business trip for 3 weeks and doesn't want his brand new bride to get lonely and mess around while he's gone. He stops by the local sex toy shop in town. He looks around, but doesn't see anything that would keep his wife occupied for 3 weeks. He asks the clerk for a recommendation. The clerk takes a black box from underneath the counter, assuring the newlywed that its contents are not for sale. He opens the box, and inside is what appears to be a normal dildo. The newlywed guy is unimpressed, but the clerk says, "Let me demonstrate." He looks at the dildo and says, "Voodoo dick, the counter!" and the dildo jumps out of the box. The clerk commands, "Voodoo dick, the box!" and the dildo hops back into the box. The newlywed man asks how much it costs, but the clerk insists it is a priceless heirloom. The newlywed man takes $500 cash out of his wallet and the clerk quickly hands over the dildo. When the man arrives home, he gives his wife the box, explains how it works, and leaves the next morning on his business trip. A few days later the wife is bored and horny, so she opens the box and skeptically says, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." After about 15 minutes, she has had several orgasms and is starting to get tired, so she tries to pull the voodoo dick out. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to make it stop. She puts on a dress and drives to the hospital. On the way there, the voodoo dick is still going at her so the lady is speeding and swerving her car. A police officer pulls her over. The cop asks, "Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?" She explains, "Officer, there's this voodoo dick going at my pussy and I can't make it stop! I'm on the way to the hospital to have it removed!" The officer laughs and says, "Yeah right, lady. Voodoo dick, my ass."

Anonymous

Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a penis." So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, "I've held a penis," so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter. Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that. The 4th nun replies, "Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it."

Anonymous

What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water? I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard.

cschwan

Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not enter."

Anonymous

A man goes to his doctor complaining about migraines. His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should try it sometime." Two weeks later on a return visit, the patient tells his doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."

Mark My Words

A super hot chick walks into her church and says to the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest says, "Tell me dear, what's on your mind?" "Well Father, I am a sex addict, and lately I discovered that I like doing it with priests. I had sex with the one from the church two blocks from here, the one five blocks from here, and also the one from the church nearby." The priest says, "It's okay, just pray three times a day for one week and it will all be okay." As the girl tries to go out, the priest says, "Oh, and dont forget that I will always be here for you!"

Davidalxnd

What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

jessicanneby

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"

Joseph Emb...

A young woman asked her mom if she could go out for some fries and eat them with friends for 2 hours. Her mom said, "Sure." However, the daughter went to her boyfriends and had sex with him for 2 hours. When she came back home, her mom asked her how the fries were. The daughter replied, "Nice!" The mom said, "I can tell you enjoyed them; there's still mayonnaise dripping from your face."

Anonymous

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

Amanda Klein