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joke bank - Sex Jokes

Why do woman have two sets of lips? One set to tell you off with, and the other to make you forget you're mad!

nwmehl

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

danielbigt...

A little boy walks into his parents' room while they're having sex. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" The mother explains, "Your daddy was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out." The boy says, "That's funny. Every time you leave for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."

00jokester

How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!

Dyslexa

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

Frank C.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

vicky7867

Q: Why can't blondes tie shoes?
A: They just can't grasp the concept that the long thing goes around the hole, not into it.

Mat Mclare

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

Alliah And...

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that thing in half!"

KarateBabe

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."

Mark My Words

Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."

dhattprettymf

Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

marcus walker