joke bank - Sexist Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
A: About fifty pounds.

Q: Why is a woman with no breasts a pirate's delight?
A: Because she has a sunken chest.

Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father. The father thinks for a bit and replies, "Go to your older sister and ask her if she would suck a guys dick. Then ask her if she would do it for a million dollars. Then go to your younger sister and ask her the same two questions. Write down their answers and bring it back to me." Johnny says, "Okay," and runs off to find his older sister. He asks her the first question and she responds, "Maybe, if I like him." "Would you do it for a million dollars?" She replies, "Hell yes!" He finds the younger sister and asks her the same questions. Her first reply was "Eeeew, no!" but the second answer was "Yeah, sure." Johnny writes down their answers and takes them back to his father. The father looks over them and replies, "There you go." Johnny asks, "What do you mean?" The father says, "Well in theory we have two million dollars, but in reality we have two cocksuckers."

How do you get a dishwasher to dig a hole? Give the woman a shovel!

There once was a man named Sweeney.
He spilled some gin on his weenie.
That being uncouth,
He dipped it in vermouth,
And slipped his wife a dry martini.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

Q: What's the most expensive Jewish wine?
A: "I wanna go to Florida!"

Q: What do dog poo and women have in common? A: The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

What do you call a marathon if all the runners are transvestites? A drag race.

After I have sex, I like my woman like my mailbox. Outside my house!

What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male fraud.

What do you do when your wife is staggering? Shoot her again.