Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.
Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*tch." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*tch. There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"
Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.
Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "All of me."