A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight." The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?""
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it'd be a foot!
I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.
Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?
A: Buy a deck of cards.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!