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joke bank - Word Play Jokes

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

Brotato

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.

Anonymous

Q: What did one German soldier say to the other when the Americans attacked?
A: "I did Nazi that coming!"

Fun-E-Gamer

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it'd be a foot!

TheLaughFa...

At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.

The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.

The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:
"On my way through desert sand
Met a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!

The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax?

No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:
"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

Jempa33

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

hello_the_...

Q: How do convicts get drugs while they're in prison?
A: Some asshole brings 'em in.

Jimmy Carr

Q: Why couldn't Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.

Anonymous

An American, a Vietnamese, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Canadian, a German, a Turk, and a Russian walk into a fancy restaurant. When they got to the front desk, they were kicked out because they did not have a Thai.

Dr. John

Q: What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet?
A: "Supplies!"

LAMEGIRL23

Q: How do birds fly?
A: They just wing it!

Willem Van...

Q: What's the most expensive Jewish wine?
A: "I wanna go to Florida!"

Mark My Words