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joke bank - Word Play Jokes

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

Brotato

Just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of my penis. Definitely won't be shagging one of those again.

Robin Bowen

I drove my expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends.

Sophistica...

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro sink-o!

kolchefske

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: You can roast beef but you cant pee soup.

Anonymous

Q: Why did the house go to the doctor?
A: It was having window pains.

Capricorn37

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

A: He was sitting on the deck.

Anonymous

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same bar and orders a drink again. The bartender, resolute, again turns and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, we don't serve strings here. I'm going to have to ask you not to return." Dejected, the string returns home. All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and jets out his door to that bar. Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time. The bartender stares at him, squinty eyed, and asks, "I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar." The string locks eyes with the bartender, and states, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

missrose

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

amuradi

I hate school and got caught skipping the other day. My principal said, "Walk normal next time, you fruitcake."

Seth Rihn

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A: A buccaneer!

Kay wat???!

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

Anonymous