joke bank - Word Play Jokes

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "California."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "All of me."

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

Q: How do fish get high?
A: Seaweed.

Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*tch." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*tch. There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"

Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
A: Carlos.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

Q: Why is the barn so noisy?
A: Because the cows have horns.

Q: What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the breakfast table?
A: "Use the fork, Luke."