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Interview with the World's Funniest Broad: Joan Rivers

By Jamie Masada Jul 05, 2016

Go back to a time that Laugh Factory founder Jamie Masada sat down with Joan Rivers at Spago’s Restaurant in Hollywood. Here's Joan as we remember her -- down to earth and funny. Always funny. 

The Laugh Factory Magazine: I hope you don’t mind being interviewed by an exotic foreigner.

Joan Rivers: I’m delighted. Are you a comedian also?

LFM: Yes. As a matter of fact, I’m a foreign exchange comedian. What advice would you have for a new comedian, such as myself, when he works a club?

Rivers: Make sure the check is good, leave them laughing, and always paper the toilet seat.

LFM: When you first began your career, did you have any problems with hecklers in the clubs?

Rivers: At first, my act was so terrible, I was heckled by mutes.

LFM: Where did you get your sense of humor? Is it due to rough childhood?

Rivers: My parents hated me. My mother bought me my first bath toy -- a radio. My father’s nicest compliment was, “At least you’ve stopped shedding.”

LFM: Do you have any groupies?

Rivers: Yes. He’s around 85 but he thinks young. He has given me a sense of self-worth, not to mention this ring...and herpes.

LFM: I think your new album is extremely funny; it had me rolling on the floor. One thing you say on the album is that Princess Grace’s two daughters are tramps. Why do you say that?

Rivers: Read the Enquirer. I read the Enquirer and Enquirer tells me these girls are sleeping around. I listen and I believe in what the Enquirer tells me.

LFM: What other famous tramps do you know?

Rivers: Heidi Abromowitz, who is my good, good friend. She buys Vaseline in decorator colors.

LFM: You impress me as being quite an attractive woman. How would you rate yourself on a scale of one to ten?

Rivers: Minus six.

LFM: Do you have anything in common with Dolly Parton or Twiggy?

Rivers: A lot in common with both of them: With Twiggy, my top matches, and with Dolly Parton, my bottom matches.

LFM: Do you have any desire to look like Bo Derek?

Rivers: Oh sure, I think every woman would like to look like Bo Derek. A lot of my male friends would like to look like Bo Derek, also.

LFM: Did you see the movie E.T.?

Rivers: Yes.

LFM: Did he remind you of any men you’ve gone out with?

Rivers: Any men? No, E.T. actually reminded me of Jackie Onassis without makeup.

LFM: Do you think you have to have connections to become a successful comedian?

Rivers: Oh no, no! If Hitler came back with six jokes, he’d make The Tonight Show.

LFM: What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard?

Rivers: My husband proposing to me. I was in shock. He wanted desperately to become a citizen; he was in the country illegally and he was being deported. He was proposing me through a police wagon.

LFM: What’s the funniest joke you’ve heard lately?

Rivers: What’s the difference between a pig and a fox?

LFM: What?

Rivers: Six drinks.

LFM: One final off-the-wall question: If you ever won an Oscar, what would your speech be?

Rivers: I would take out a piece of paper with 22,000 names, and spend the entire hour thanking everybody until America went crazy.

LFM: Uh, Joan, before I leave, could you give me Heidi Abromowitz’s phone number?

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