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Q: What time is it when the clock strikes 13? A: Time to get a new clock.
What do you call a guy who's really loud? Mike.
Q: What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? A: Thunderwear.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
Kid: Will you remember me tomorrow? Parent: Yes Kid: Will you remember me next week? Parent: Yes Kid: Will you remember me next month? Parent: Yes Kid: Will you remember me next year? Parent: Yes Kid: knock knock Parent: Whos there? Kid: See you forgot me already, how could you do this to me!
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, 'He needs a pair of your underwear.'
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they dont forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. 'You might want to write it down,' she said. The husband said, 'No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.' She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. 'Write it down,' she told him, and again he said, 'No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.' Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. 'Write it down,' she told her husband and again he said, 'No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.' So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, 'Wheres the toast?'
A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 7 year-old, 'I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, Ill swear first, then you.' 'Okay,' replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, 'Ill have Coco Pops, bitch.' *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, 'And what do you want?' 'Dunno,' he replies, 'But it wont be fucking Coco Pops.'
Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called <i>The Search for One-eye Jimmy</i> and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, 'Oh, I saw the movie <i>Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs</i> and then nine months later I had septuplets.' The last lady gasps and exclaims, 'Oh no, I just watched <i>101 Dalmations</i>!'
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, 'So how has life been treating you?' The old man replies, 'The Lords been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when Im finished, he turns the light off.' While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, 'Damn it! The old farts been pissing in the ice box again!'
Assistant: 'Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?' <br>Boss: 'Certainly not!' <br> Assistant: 'Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding.'
A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!
Cannibal #1: 'I cant stand my mother-in-law.' <br>Cannibal #2: 'Why dont you just eat the vegetables?'
Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife's doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
Mother: 'Are you talking back to me?!'<br>Son: 'Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works.'
Get a new car for your spouse; it will be a great trade!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!' The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says, 'You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
'Mom, does God go to the bathroom?' a son asked. The mom replied, 'No son, why?' The son said, 'Well every morning Dad goes to the bathroom and pounds on the door and shouts, 'Oh God! Are you still in there?!?!' '
Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.
A man tells his wife, 'Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago.' The wife yells at him, 'Why are you just telling me now?' He said, 'Because I couldn't stop laughing.'
A teacher asks, 'What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?' A student repsonds, '3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge.'