How to Find a Job

Or maybe you are a recent college graduate, eager to begin your first real job. You're bright eyed, bushy tailed, and above all CONFIDENT. Confident that your degree in Medieval Eskimo Field Irrigation has prepared you to work in the real world. Confident that this, combined with your total lack of previous employment history, will have every business in the state banging down your door with lucrative offers of high salaried positions, paid vacation, company cars, etc. Confident that Nixon knew nothing about Watergate, your mother is a virgin, and the Three Stooges wrote all of Shakespeare's plays.

Whatever your situation, this much can be said: you're desperate; Due to the brilliant economic policies of forty odd years of political bozos, the country is in more trouble than a thirteen-year-old girl in a house full of hillbillies. Hell, the number of people out of work is almost as great as the number of people who vote.

This means that your search for a job must be ruled by the law of. SUPPLY and DEMAND. Put simply, the SUPPLY of slobs like so great, you can't DEMAND anything from the job market.

Fortunately for you, I've prepared this little guide to help you in your quest for employment. I absolutely guarantee that this guide will help you find a job.

How can I make such a promise? Simple. I know if you can't find a job, you certainly won't have the brains to find me. Sucker.

Alternatives To A Regular Job

Working a nine to five job is not for everybody, and you may want to consider the other ways to earn a living. Here are some of the more popular legal options:

1. Selling your blood.
   This is not a bad way to pick up a few bucks, but unless you have an extra heart and circulatory system, you're going to be in bad trouble if you try to work overtime. There are other drawbacks as well; after excessive puncturing, your veins begin to collapse, and this, combined with your pale complexion and the needle tracks, may lead people to conclude that you are a junkie.
2. Selling your sperm.
   Again, not a bad way to make a few bucks, assuming you are not a woman. You get paid for something that's already a favorite hobby, and you sure can't beat (ha ha ha) the hours.
   Unfortunately, the harder (ha ha ha) you work at this job, the less get up (ha ha ha) and go you'll have for other pursuits. And besides, once you make a donation, it's out of your hands (ha ha ha). Who knows what they might do with it? Your seed might be used to breed any kind of ghastly mutant. Finally, it is a MORTAL SIN, and you will burn in hell for all time. Sicko.
3. Writing comedy.
   Forget it. There is absolutely no money in this, and the people you meet are the worst bunch of geeks and losers the world has ever seen.

Step 1: What Do You Want To Do?

All right, let's assume that you've decided on a nine to five job. Probably the most important question you have to ask yourself is, what do you want to do? It might help to make a list of things you like to do or are good at. Include all things you've ever done, hobbies, subjects at school you excelled at, etc. Work as carefully as you can on the list, making sure to leave nothing out, and when you're finished, roll it up and smoke it. If you've got any smarts at all you'll realize that what you want to do above all else is EAT.

You do not want to starve to death while you wrack your alleged brains, trying to figure out the optimum job. Take anything you can get, stupid.

Step 2: The Information Search 

OK, let's say you've found a company that has a job opening.

Your next step is to obtain some vital background information on the company. If you want, you can use your local library, chamber of commerce, or university vocational guidance center. You can write to the company for information. While you're at it, you can buy your tickets to the Beatles reunion concert, because none of these sources is going to be of the slightest help. 

The real things you need to find out are: 

1. Who is in charge of this company?
2. Who is he or she having an affair with?
3. Where is this taking place? 
4. Can you get pictures, films, videotapes, holograms or sound recordings of the goings on? 

Of course, not all affairs are equally sordid, so the naughtier and more illicit the activities, the greater the position expected to land. Refer to the list below for some concrete examples.

Remember: a well placed Polaroid beats a Ph.D. anytime!

Step 3: The Resume

Your resume is designed to create interest and curiosity in an employer, and above all, make him think about hiring you. To this end, your resume should be a neat, concise, well-organized pack of lies.

This does not mean that you should indiscriminately lie your ass off and make up anything you like. No. Your lies should have at least some basis in fact, some kernel of truth.

Say for instance, you are working on your interests and activities section of your resume. It you told the truth, that part of the resume would probably look like this:

Interests and Activities 

1. Played with yourself in the stacks at your local library.
2. Made obscene phone calls to everyone in your city.
3. Sat atop the roof of your apartment building with a pair of binoculars and looked into peoples’ windows.

Your "corrected" should then look like this:

Interests and Activities 

1. Engaged in self-exploration and enrichment projects using library facilities.
2. Participated in a community outreach program.
3. Organized and ran a neighborhood watch program.

Step 4: The Interview

If you've read any job ads, I'm sure you've seen companies advertising for "aggressive" individuals.

This is, of course, rubbish. If you don't believe it, I suggest that in your next interview you demonstrate just how "aggressive" you are by beating the shit out of the interviewer.

No, despite their advertising, companies are looking for docile, obedient ROBOTS. Keeping this in mind, you should do your best, when in an interview, to actually appear to be a robot. Wrap yourself in tin foil and glue Christmas lights to your head. Wire them to a battery in your pocket and rig them so they flash in sequence.

For further effect, halfway through the interview, excuse yourself, politely explaining that you need to get a recharge. Walk over to the nearest electric socket and pretend to plug yourself in while you make beeping noises.

Stop in mid-sentence, wave your arms wildly and blurt out "WARNING! WARNING! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! DOCTOR SMITH HAS STOLEN THE JUPITER 2!" And now we come to the most important step of all.

Step 5: Go on Welfare

It's the American way, isn't it?

The end.

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What's a Classic Article anyway?

This article originally appeared in the April 1983 printed edition of Laugh Factory Magazine.

Laugh Factory Magazine cover from April 1983, featuring Richard Pryor.