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Boss: Do you believe in life after death? Employee: No, because there is no proof of it. Boss: Well there is now! Employee: How? Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncles funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.
While doing an interview, the employer asked the candidate: Employer: So, how long did you work your last job? Candidate: 30 years Employer: Oh, you look young. How old are you? Candidate: 20 years old The employer was surprised and asked the candidate how she worked 30 years and has only been living for 20 years?? Candidate: Overtime!
If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office? I can clearly see 'you're' nuts....
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
A dentist told a mother, 'I'm sorry madam, but I'll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy's tooth.' The mother exclaimed, 'A $100! You said it was only $20!' 'Yes,' replied the dentist, 'but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!'
Do you know what happens if you piss of a pilot? He takes off.
How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert. He stares at YOUR shoes while he talks to you.
Why can't designated hitters bake pancakes? They also forget the batter.
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. 'What the hell do you think you're doing?' 'I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line.' 'Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?'
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, 'What for?' The sheriff responds, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' The lawyer says, 'I slowed down and no one was coming.' 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please,' say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' The sheriff says, 'That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.' The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, 'Do you want me to stop or just slow down?'
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, 'What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?' 'I give it to them,' replies the lawyer, 'and then I send them a bill.' The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
An infinite crowd of mathematicians enter a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one orders half a pint, the third one orders a quarter pint. The bartender says, 'I understand,' and pours two pints.
An old lady rushed into the police department and claimed she was raped. When asked what the guy looked like, she said she didn't know, only that he was a contractor. When asked how she knew that, she yelled, 'All he could say was, 'I'm coming! I'm coming!' and he never finished the job.'
A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!” The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”
While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.”
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes!
Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.
What can a goose do that a duck can't, but a lawyer should? Shove its bill up its ass!
What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law? A judge.
We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off. Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.
'What do you want to be when you grow up?' 'A doctor.' 'And why's that?' 'Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill.'
What do your boss and a slinky have in common? They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.