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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.
Why are frogs always so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Where do cows go on Friday night? To the MOOOOOvies
What disease do elderly dinosaurs get? Jurassic Parkinsons.
Teacher asks a student: If I give you 3+3 rabbits, how many do you have? Student says, 'I will have 7 rabbits.' Teacher asks, 'How?' Student says, 'I already have 1 rabbit.'
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because chickens werent around yet.
Q: Whats the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, 'Book book book.' The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, 'Book book book.' The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, 'Book book book!' so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, 'Reddit, reddit.'
Q: What do you give a pig who wins a medal at the Olympic games? A: A pork medallion.
Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs? A: So they can walk.
A religious woman buys a parrot and takes it home. As soon as she gets the bird in its new cage, it starts hollering, 'Im a whore! Im a whore!' The lady is embarrassed and asks her minister if she should return the foul-mouthed bird. The minister suggests, 'I have a well-behaved male parrot who sits in its cage and prays all day long. Perhaps if we put your bird in with mine, your bird will see the error of its ways and become more pious.' The next day, the woman takes her parrot to the ministers house and puts her bird in with the praying parrot. After a few seconds, her parrot starts saying, 'Im a whore! Im a whore!' The priests parrot replies, 'Come on in honey, thats what Ive been praying for!'
Q: What show do cows love to watch while theyre eating? A: <i>Graze Anatomy</i>.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.”
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “Ive led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!”
Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher then the average house due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cant jump?
Q: What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? A: 'It's pasture bedtime.'
Q: Why do milking stools only have three legs? A: Because the cow's got the udder!
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, 'Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.' The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, 'Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!' The boy answered, 'I did! Today Im taking him to the cinema.'
A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, 'Im here to get the gorilla out of your tree. Im going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck.' The man says 'Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?' The animal control employee says, 'Oh, thats for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla.'
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, 'What are you doing?!!' The blind man replies, 'Just looking around.'
A mans big rottweiler has been losing its vision, so the owner brings the dog to the vet. The veterinarian picks the dog up and says, 'I will have to put him down.' The owner asks, 'Why? Because hes blind?' The vet replies, 'No, hes heavy. I need to put him down.'
Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? A: Because if it had four, it would be chicken sedan.
Q: Why do bunnies have soft sex? A: They have cotton balls.
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? A: 'Put it on my bill.'