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There's Nothing Better than Doughnuts...Except Maybe French Fries...

By Louie Anderson Jun 28, 2016

Most mornings I buy a box of twelve doughnuts. Come on. It’s fifty cents for one or ninety-nine cents for a dozen. But I don’t merely like doughnuts, I need them. Like a drug addict who wakes up at three in the morning and wants only one thing -- his fix. I regularly wake up at that obscene hour, the same hour my dad used to wander into my bedroom and yell, “Hey, lardass!” and wondered, “Hmmm, is there a Winchell’s or a Dunkin Donuts nearby?”

I’m not alone in this. The people who go to doughnut shops at 3am look like drug addicts. They’ve got red eyes, pasty complexions, and only one side of their face works. They have only one thing on their mind as they push past the line, talking to themselves, warning everybody to look out, showing their cash to the guy behind the counter.

“What you got in the back that’s fresh? Are the cinnamon rolls up yet?”

There’s nothing better than doughnuts…except maybe French fries. One afternoon I went to McDonalds for lunch. Trying to be diet-conscious, I ordered a McDLT. Then the guy behind the counter, who was only doing what he was trained to do, asked, “Do you want any fries, Louie?” I thought for a moment, biting my tongue, and trying to keep hold of whatever modicum of restraint and willpower I had. He might as well have asked, “Do you want the winning numbers to the lottery, Louie?”

“Yeah,” I said. Had he suddenly sprouted horns and a tail?

“How about that basket?” I replied.

“How about shaking that thing and dumping it in the back seat of my car?” Call me crazy, but I know that traffic wouldn’t seem half as bad if all I had to do were reach in the back seat and get some fries. I can actually see myself smiling at the drivers next to me, explaining, “See, I’ve got some fries.”

This article was originally published in April of 1994 and is part of our Legacy series. Take a look back and laugh with some of the greatest voices in comedy history. 

In This Story LOUIE ANDERSON,FOOD,FITNESS

Louie Anderson

Louie Anderson is one of the most versatile and successful comedians working in Hollywood today, loved by the television audiences who never missed his nightly hit series Family Feud or his appearances on late night chat shows. He is adored by standing room only crowds in Las Vegas and respected by readers of his books. He is worshiped by the rising comics he mentors and encourages with his honesty and wisdom.