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Two terrorists walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they are talking about. Terrorist 1 - We are going to kill 14k people and a donkey. Bartender- Why a donkey? Terrorist 2- See, I told you no one would care about the 14k people.
Whats black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.
What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.
Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, 'Okay, who farted?'
What is the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? You can hang the picture with just one nail.
What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
A blind man walked into a fish market and said, 'Hello ladies!'
A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, 'Boy, these woods are scary.' The molester says to the child, 'You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone.'
Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a bl*wjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, 'How was that?' He nods and says, 'Not too f*ckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!'
A man recently had his arm amputated and decided to kill himself by jumping off a building. When he was ready to jump, he saw a man with both arms amputated dancing around. He decided to find out why he was so happy. The man told him, “I'm not dancing. My ass is itching and I can't scratch it!”
Why is it that skinny men like fat women? Because they need warmth in winter and shade in summer.
A woman was at the pharmacy and asked, “Can I get Viagra here?” The old pharmacist replied, “Yes.” She asked, “Can I get it over the counter?” He responded, “If you give me two of them, you can.”
There is a white boy, a Mexican boy, and a black boy who are all in the fifth grade. Who has the biggest d*ck? The black boy, because he's 18.
Here is a pick up line. 'Hey girl, come sit on my lap and we could talk about the first thing that pops up.'
Why do women have one more brain cell than a horse? For managing not to drink the water from the bucket while she sweeps the floor.
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, 'Why do you watch that? You still cant cook,' and the wife responds, 'Why do you watch porn? You still cant f*ck.'
There's a man walking a tight rope 60 feet above ground. There's another man getting a bl*wjob from a 60 year old woman. What are they both thinking at the exact same time? Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, don't look down!
There was this homeless drunk dude laying in an alley talking out loud saying, 'I wish had another drink.' He then passed out. As he was saying that, a gay dude was walking by and heard him. When the gay guy came back, he f*cked the homeless guy and put three dollars in his pocket. The homeless dude woke up later and found the money, ran to the liquor store, and said, 'Give me the cheapest half of pint you have,' and went back to his spot, drunk it and passed out again. The gay dude came back, f*cked the homeless dude again, and left five dollars. He ran back to the liquor store and said, 'Give me the cheapest pint you have,' and went back to his spot. The gay dude came back again. Once he saw the homeless man passed out, he f*cked him again and left eight dollars The homeless dude woke up and realized he had some more money. He ran back to the liquor store, and before he could say a word, the owner said, 'I know, you want the cheapest pint you can get,' and the homeless dude said, 'No, give me the most expensive half you got. That cheap liquor is tearing my ass up.'
The myth about blacks having big penises is true. Asians have small eyes because you have to squint to see their penis.
This brother was banging his sister, and he says, 'You f*ck like Mom,' and she laughs. He says, 'What?' She says, 'That's what Dad said.'
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?' The old man asks, 'Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?' The young boy says no. 'Then u can't have a cigar.' Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer?' The old man asks, 'Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?' The young boy says no. 'Well, then u can't have a beer.' Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, 'Son, can I have some of your chips?' The boy asks, 'Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?' The old man says, 'It sure can.' The boy says, 'Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips.'
Ever seen a blind man swim? He probably hasn't either.
So there's a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican. They find a genie's lamp, they rub it, and poof appears the genie! The genie goes to the black guy and asks, 'What's your one wish?' The black guy goes, 'I wish for me and all my people to be back in Africa, happy and everything.' So poof! His wish is granted. Then, the genie goes to the Mexican and asks, 'What's your one wish?' The Mexican goes, 'I wish for me and all my people to be in Mexico, happy and everything.' So poof! His wish is granted. Now, the genie goes over to the white guy and asks, 'What's your one wish?' and the white guy asks, 'You mean to tell me that all the black and Mexican people are out of America?' The genie replies, 'Yes.' So the white guy goes, 'Then I'll have a Coke.'