Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."