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joke bank - Animal Jokes

What is the difference between a cat and a dog? Dogs think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so they must be Gods. Cats think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so I must be God."

abilioperez

Q. Why does a cow wear a bell?
A. Because it's horn does not work

Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender. "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Cyrus

Q: Why shouldn't you have a gay monkey and a gay squirrel in the same tree?
A: Because the monkey will go bananas over the squirrel's nuts.

TheLaughFa...

Q: Where do bees go to the toilet?
A: The BP station.

Anonymous

Just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of my penis. Definitely won't be shagging one of those again.

Robin Bowen

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

TheLaughFa...

Q: What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs?
A: Sparky.

Anonymous

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

mgrector

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
A: "Dam."

ink123

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

iwe

Q: What does a pig put on its paper cut? A: Oinkment!

Anonymous