Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City. Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they're walking around New York, they hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!" They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps, "What part did you get?!"
It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?" The baby mosquito replied, "It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender. "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"
A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"