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joke bank - Animal Jokes

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100? Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

coolwatters

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

ebaquino

A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says, "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continues, so finally the man puts the bird in the freezer. About an hour later, the parrot asks the man to please open the door. As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says, "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

Alphabeat

Q: How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?
A: Put up a Bingo sign.

Chocolate ...

Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

cj

What do you do with a dog that doesn’t have any legs? You take him for a drag.

Anonymous

What did the dog say to the hot dog bun? "Are you pure bred?"

tigerfire

Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.

Anonymous

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don't like fast food.

Anonymous

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!

Anonymous

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

mr.minecraft

Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.

Syd the Kyd