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joke bank - Clean Jokes

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Bookworm

A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

Anonymous

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Anonymous

Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Anonymous

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

Brandon

Q: How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?
A: Put up a Bingo sign.

Chocolate ...

Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

Anonymous

Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A chalkboard.

Berry

Q: Why is the barn so noisy?
A: Because the cows have horns.

Anonymous

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

c sud

Q: Who is the poorest guy in the south?
A: The Tooth Fairy.

mum

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

eileen