CHRIS D'ELIA IS BACK ON THE LUCK OF THE IRISH SHOW ON FEB. 23RD! LAUGH ALL NIGHT WITH SOCAL'S BEST COMICS ON ALL-STAR COMEDY EVERY FRIDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD! YOU NEVER KNOW WHO COULD DROP BY ON THE SET DANE COOK IS BACK THIS TUESDAY (FEB 20) AND SATURDAY (FEB 24) TO MAKE YOU LAUGH ALL NIGHT! DON'T MISS THIS SO GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!

joke bank - Clean Jokes

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

hatcher

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

Mysteryguy...

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

Anonymous

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

Boingy Boing

Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"

SOME DUDE

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"

Anonymous

How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

I_H8_2_lov...

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

Thommy53

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

Anonymous

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

TheLaughFa...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

E

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

Cuba