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joke bank - Clean Jokes
An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.
My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.” So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "The United States."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "My whole body."
Q: Did your hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg?
A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"
A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck." The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?" The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."
Bob: "Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder."
Jim: "Oh my God, are you okay?"
Bob: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."