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A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."
A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: "You're too young to smoke."
Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.