joke bank - Clean Jokes

A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

Q: Who is the poorest guy in the south?
A: The Tooth Fairy.

Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?
Hah! You said, "I eat ma poo!"