Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
What is the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!
Little Johnny came in from the backyard sobbing. His mother asked "What's the matter?" "Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer," he said through his tears. "That's not so serious," his mother said, "and a big boy like you shouldn't cry about that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" cried Johnny.
A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies, "How about a chair?"