A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom said, "Don't worry. That part where the hair has grown is called a Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." At dinner, the girl told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister replied, "That’s nothing. Mine is already eating bananas."
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I'm finished, he turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"
An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill you." A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill myself."
When I was young, I used to eat a lot because my parents told me that fat kids are harder to kidnap.
A fourth grade teacher asks the class, "Have any of you ever saved somebody's life?" A little boy raises his hand, "Yes, my little nephew's." "Wow, what a little hero you are! How did you do that, sweetie?" asks the teacher. The little guy replies, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!"