When I was young, I used to eat a lot because my parents told me that fat kids are harder to kidnap.
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I'm finished, he turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"
A fourth grade teacher asks the class, "Have any of you ever saved somebody's life?" A little boy raises his hand, "Yes, my little nephew's." "Wow, what a little hero you are! How did you do that, sweetie?" asks the teacher. The little guy replies, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!"
Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"
Johnny was playing outside when he had to go to the bathroom. He runs inside his house and his grandma was in the bathroom naked about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.” The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because its tongue is hanging out.”