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joke bank - Family Jokes

Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"

suzyq2112

''Doctor, my nose is 11 inches long!"
''Come back when it grows into a foot!"

hello_the_...

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town." The old man says, "We're from Nebraska." Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?" The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." "Oh," replies the old woman. The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska." The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?" The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."

Mark My Words

A fourth grade teacher asks the class, "Have any of you ever saved somebody's life?" A little boy raises his hand, "Yes, my little nephew's." "Wow, what a little hero you are! How did you do that, sweetie?" asks the teacher. The little guy replies, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!"

qyomjan

What's Harry Potter's way to get to the bottom of a hill? Running...JK! Rolling.

pinkshorts...

Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.

Iamsnappy4

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I'm finished, he turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"

TheLaughFa...

A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?" The dad says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family." The kid says, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"

Anonymous

Two antennas got married. The marriage was horrible, but the service was great.

Mimi

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

A: He was sitting on the deck.

Anonymous

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

hello_the_...

Q: Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she'll let it go!

SCOCBEE33