You're so ugly, your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes, so he doesn't have to kiss you goodbye.
You've got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.
Your face looks like it caught on fire and somebody tried to put it out with a fork.
How did giraffes come to be? Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They are fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to find out.