You know you're getting fat when you say you're fat in front of your friends and nobody corrects you.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
What's the difference between three penises and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
One woman I was dating called and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.