If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
You're so fat you're the reason why the Earth is tilted.
Q: How do you leave a jackass in suspense?
A: Don't know. I'll tell you tomorrow
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
When somebody calls you gay, say, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."