Cannibal #1: "I can't stand my mother-in-law."
Cannibal #2: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say."
Featured on April 16, 2014
A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!
Featured on April 15, 2014
Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"
Featured on April 14, 2014
My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.
Featured on April 13, 2014
Q: What's the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll gets before leaving the factory? A: Two test tickles.
Featured on April 12, 2014
Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.
Featured on April 11, 2014
A guy in a bar pukes on his shirt. His mate says, “No worries, just stick a $10 bill in your pocket, and tell your wife some guy puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning bill!” So, he explains this to his wife who then asks, “So why are there two $10 bills in your pocket?” He replies, “Oh, because the guy pissed in my pants as well!”
Featured on April 10, 2014