Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!"
Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "All of me."
Johnny was playing outside when he had to go to the bathroom. He runs inside his house and his grandma was in the bathroom naked about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.” The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because its tongue is hanging out.”
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You're too young to smoke.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A: A thesaurus.
Q: How do get a blond on the roof?
A: You tell her the food is on the house.
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Q: Why were the Indians here first?
A: They had reservations.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
Yo momma so ugly that she put the boogie man out of business.
Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.
Yo momma is so fat Miley Cyrus uses her as a wreaking ball.
Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.
A man dining at a restaurant flagged down his waiter and said, "Excuse me. I have a bee in my soup." The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Didn't you order the alphabet soup?"