Blonde: Today must be Sunday.
Brunette: Why?
Blonde: Because the sun is up.

Yo momma's so fat she needs a helicopter to take a selfie.

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on an oak tree she made a bonsai.

Yo mama so skinny she can dodge raindrops.

Yo momma's so ugly, she gotta be yo momma.

Your mama is so ugly even the tide won't take her out.

Yo mamma so short, when she sits on a dime, her feet don't touch the ground!

Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.

Q: Which state has the most questions?
A: Alaska.

Wise man say, "Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger."

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Q: What's the difference between a naked white woman and a naked black woman?
A: One is on the cover of Playboy and the other is on the cover of National Geographic.

Yo mamma so poor, when I saw her walking down the street with one shoe on, I stopped and said, "You lost a shoe!" and she said, "No, I found a shoe!"

There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked, "Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Dear NASA, Your mom thought I was big enough. - Pluto