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joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

SusuM

Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one of them turns to the other one and asks, "Hey, isn't that Hortense?" The other drunk chimes in and says, "No, she looks pretty relaxed to me."

Mark My Words

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The teacher says, "Of course not Johnny." To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants."

lglaugh

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Capricorn37

Q: Where's the best view of falling stars in Los Angeles?
A: A rehab center.

noahlot2