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joke bank - Miscellaneous Jokes

Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?
A: Bernadette.

Anonymous

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Anonymous

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Kiana

Pedro lives in an orphanage. One day Pedro is heading towards town with his hands claped together, when the padre who runs this orphanage asks Pedro, "What do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Pedro replies, "Father, I have horseflies and I am going to town to get horses." Sure enough later Pedro comes back with two beautiful Arabians. Next day Pedro walks past the priest again with the same question, "Pedro, what do you have in your hand and where are you going?" Pedro replies once again, "Father I have butter and I am going to town to get butterflies." Sure enough Pedro returns with beautiful monarch butterflies. The very next day Pedro is headed towards town once again when the Priest asks the same question, "Pedro what do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Again Pedro replies, "Father I have Pussy willows-" "Wait, Pedro!" says the Priest, "I'll go with you!!"

Mark My Words

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

Judith McG...

A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said "Help Wanted," so the man ran in the store and yelled out, "What's wrong?!"

animal p.

Q: What's the importance of capitalization?
A: You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.

The Fella ...

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.

Lucyfaith16

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

TheLaughFa...

Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

Mark My Words

Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall down?
A: Because their belts are on their hats.

Anonymous

Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

Victor Le